wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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