Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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