I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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