there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize