Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
