so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
