apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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