Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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