There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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