I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
