I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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