im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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