Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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