just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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