Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
