I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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