Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
