plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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