You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My vagina is officially offended.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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