I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fuck appropriateness.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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