I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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