Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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