i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
