Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
