You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
