what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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