2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
