Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
