first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
