Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
