how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
