we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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