I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
