If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
