Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
