I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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