wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
