Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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