Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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