Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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