I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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