I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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