this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
