My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize