dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
