Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
