I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
