i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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