Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
