Michael Bay diarrhea
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
