three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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