last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You can't motorboat a personality
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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