Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
