currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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