Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
