My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
