you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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