I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
