My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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