I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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